What to do with those exciting feelings...

Im sure that you have found being around people that you would like to date/relationship/see nude our emotions act up.

We go all funny, our awareness of how we act seems to heighten and other objects and situations that may have been important tend to have less of our focus now.

It is exciting!

But generally, I think our initial response to this is to try and hide it.

"Don't let him/her see me give anything away!"
"Don't let them know I like them."

And we tend to look from a distance...

I wanted to bring this to attention because I want to ask why?

Nothing good comes from keeping it to yourself. I would like to suggest that next time this happens to you, be ok with it. Feel it and feel good about it.

I think the problem here is people communication rather than their feelings or desires.

I mean, if you like someone you don't really want hurt them, you want to love them ;)

But people tend to hide their feelings because they don't know what to do about them. The real issue is communication,

"how do I (you) tell the subject of our affection that we think they are beautiful/handsome/sexy/amazing/awesome/funny/smart etc."

Im not going to come out and say 'just tell them' etc. because that is a cop out on my behalf.

What I do suggest is that you think of something, for 20 seconds after you read this, to deal with this before it happens.

Imagine your waiting for the walk signal at the traffic lights and that person stands beside you, or its a new colleague at work/university.

Just in case we get a little dumb struck when it does happen (which does happen all the time) :)

And even though it might not come out as smooth as you please if the situation does occur 'in real life', but it will in your imagination...

Enjoy,

Hope this helps.

Joehann.

Random

What exactly do you want? And I don't mean a throw away statement like financial freedom or to fall in love. I mean what exactly do you want? I ask because the other side to the question is want to know is what are you going to pass up in your life, what are you going to give up and what are you going to say no to?

What I am getting at is what some people call their line in the sand, some their mission statement. 

Can we just get what we want, can we just pick it and be happy, or is there a greater force in play that we have to align with or at least consider? 

Is just picking something going to give you the drive and motivation to get it. Personally at the moment I feel like I'm trying to listen to myself to find what I want, so I can go after it. But something tells me that I'm not correctly listening if I am expecting a certain result.

Back to what we don't want, when you think of your future what do you think of?

Poor, lonely, unhappy... What about more tangeable things, maybe instead of what do you want, how about what can't you live without?

And when I say this I include things such as convenience, luxuries, ease, not just ideals and principles that people always seem to be idolising.

How do we find the answer to this, what we cant live without. First thought in my mind was to find a situation which is different from our day to day. Where we need to be proactive about how we rank things in our life and what we select, if only given certain choices. Be less comfortable in certain terms.

This is just food for thought at the moment, but also another way to look at an age old question about our lives, meaning and happiness.

Hope this helps,

Joe Hann

The fall

The fall is a phenomenon that happens to people when they are dating.

Usually when people are single they want to mold dating into their life. They want to massage it and knead it and have control over it. They want to fit it into their life.

This doesn't tend to happen, actually the opposite tends to happen. People give in and let their dating life take over the rest of their life. They go out and not know who they are going to meet, where they are going to end up or even where they are going to sleep.

Men who aren't in this state will use terms like 'I want a girlfriend' or use gender specific terms more often, because they are thinking of themselves first and not the woman. i.e. Tits, pussy, arse/ass, bitch, slut etc.Thinking of yourself first doesn't put you in a good place to meet a mate.

From what I see 'the fall' happens to men who are trying to meet a mate. They put the moment that they are in first and let that lead them. It is a self fulfilling prophecy because not only does it hone the persons attention but women love being the item of attention and men who are living in the moment will ravish all their attention on whomever they meet.

This doesn't happen to every man who ends up in a relationship, but it is a natural way that leads into a successful relationship or just dating life.

I believe what leads a man to 'falling' is when he overcomes rejection. Not being worried about rejection gives a man time to give to an interaction and understand the context of his life. And overcoming rejection takes experience.

Hope this helps

Joehann.

Value.

Ever heard the saying...

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

We'll value is very important in the dating world, and the world of relationships in general.

But to focus on the dating world it does seem that value can be an inherent problem.

Men test out women for value all the time. Men always want more, to push the boundaries and to see how far they can get. They are testing women for their value.

So how do women respond.

Well not having enough value, or charging too much can result in loss of interest.

Women also test men for their value. Trying to find out how committed men are, how emotional, and stable.

Too much of either one equals a loss of interest from the other party. So I think the best advice is to get what you can if you give up value. And understand that this is a part of the two parties trusting each other. Essentially, both parties giving up value is like hurt money in an investment. People are more inclined to take interest and precuation when they will lose out of the situation too.

And that is the point I wish to make. Give up value when the other person gives up theirs.

Someone giving  you attention equals you giving that person attention, if this is indeed what you want. Rewarding behavior.

Regards,

Chris.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

From what I see people aren’t as tuned into this quote as they may like to think.
 

Because making choices that you can’t make causes issues and in some cases friction.
 

See first of all we have to explore that persons world. What is in their world, how did they get where they have gotten. What motivates them, what drives them, their strengths and weaknesses. This is true, however I believe there are short cuts to this, which I call levers. For example, you are confident which is your lever, your confidence creates trust in that other person.
 

I guess this issue keeps coming into my mind because of football. I follow a team which aren’t very good at the moment. And from what I can tell there are opposing forces, people making decisions they can’t make and a general lack of togetherness and people ‘pulling in the same direction’.
 

I feel like some coaches are putting themselves at the centre of the group and others on the perimeter looking in. I think the coach should be outside the circle making sure that the environment is productive in achieving what their goal is.
 

If we are coaching a professional sports team, what are our levers that we can use to control behaviour.
 

Money – Earning money (game payments, bonuses) may affect their behaviour, but more likely to effect their level of happiness and belonging positively when getting paid, and negatively when not. Not having enough money will affect their behaviour.
 

Selection (playing or not playing) – This is a big one for coaches. I think this should be a known, written down contract for the players so they can make their own decision on selection. E.g. if you are playing in the two’s and you achieve a certain amount of goals or goal average then you get put into the ones. That is very simple, more likely there would be a lot of thought put into this document.
 

Contracts – Having a contract with the club would affect behaviour. Players would most likely really want to be apart of the club as the job would be better than what awaits them in the ‘real world’
 

Our attention – Coaches and all assistants attention will affect behaviour of the players. Positive, negative reinforcement and punishment all can be used to affect behaviour. Direct intervention would be wise to avoid but
 

Their time – Players time is something that coaches can use to affect behaviour. Giving them more time will reinforce beliefs, create morale. But so too will having the players see gains for their sacraficies.

Some decisions that coaches can’t make is ‘to win a premiership or championship’. The players are the ones who score the points. They can only really prepare the players.
 

This coach/players situation is one example of dealing with people, when you are put in charge. Dating is another instance when you are dealing with people. And also in that situation there are some choices that you can make, and some that you can’t.
 

What you do, i.e. be confident, will affect the other person, i.e. create trust. So if we understand our choices (our levers), we can better control the world around us and how we interact with it.
 
Hope this helps...
 
Joehann.

Please excuse the delay, I do have a few half finished posts in the works :)

More, more more.

I deliver the local paper now. So 253 homes around my area receive the local paper in my area because of me.
We'll to be precise, more like 225ish im guessing. Because some people have a no junk mail/posted mail only sign on their letterbox, which started me thinking. Am I effected by these people, who don't want my paper and my service, and essentially reject it. Does it upset me, and put me off my deliveries?

No of course it doesn't. I don't have to stop and deliver the paper which saves me time. This is a simple example, but the point is still relevant.

The point in this case is that im not worried about my service being 'rejected' because I have a lot of other people who do want it. Which made me realise, if you are worried about rejection then your numbers aren't enough.

You know my mantra, 'people don't date enough', and to date more, you need more exposure, to meet more people and exchange more details.

To meet my one fiance, it took me;

3 relationships,
50 first dates,
100's of make outs
100's of  nights out and
1000's of introductions.

Over about six years.

So, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But that's the worst of it, the good news is that the process is fun! The thrill of the chase or someone chasing you, meeting new people, doing new things and putting yourself out there!

It does take time, but enjoy it.

And remember, if your not sure on someone, date more ;)

Hope this helps,

Joehann.

Scope.

The other night there was a spider in the bedroom. It was a small black spider, perched up in the top corner of our room near a disused vent that it was using as a dark refuge.

My fiancé, as she usually does in this situation, asked me to kill it. I, as I usually do, said no ill take it outside.

It isnt the first time we've had a spider in our room. The wall space must be damp, dark and attract bugs. So even though I might remove this one, I know there will be another one to take its place.

It seems that in this case there is meant to be a spider there, like it's the environment makes the spider. And the spider is there to service the environment.


So its the same for us. We have space to live, an accommodating habitat, and food to eat. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. If there is scope for us to live, then we are meant to be.

This does seem to be quite theoretical and airy fairy, but it all this comes back to beliefs. It has the power to change you. Understanding our place in the world can adjust our motivation and actions in the future, for a long time. 

We are here and not by 'our' choosing. We are here because there was a need for us to be here, to do what we do. And we are supposed to be doing what we are doing.

The spider is here for a reason, so are you. And you are doing it right now.

Hope this helps,

Joehann

Enhancing you

Yet again I was watching a trashy television show which sparked an idea. I'm starting to see a pattern here :P

The scene: Two girls chatting, the camera pans out to show one girl sitting on a dental chair. She's not dressed in any operating theatre clothing though, its all Gucci and Prada here. Another woman approaches, back facing the camera, a needle is produced, then inserted into the forehead. They seem happy, but its hard to see any expression on their faces.

I personally don't have an issue with botox, although I know some people do. I ask to leave that to the side for a minute. What i'd like to bring to attention is what people (in general or particular people) are prepared to do for 'mating encounters' and what they are not prepared to do?

It seems more and more that all bets are off when making ourselves look good. So when does it stop being us and start being fake?

Because as simple as it sounds, the girls in the television scene would (I believe) argue that they are beautiful and young looking, therefore anything that in their eyes makes and keeps them beautiful and young looking, is justified and indeed congruent with them.

So lets go to another extreme. Generally people don't want to have to pay for sex. Going to a prostitute or gigolo can seem in society as a sign of weakness, that sex for someone is a paid relationship. Yet there are plenty of brothels around, so obviously people are paying to use them.

Where the issue seems to sit is where people feel comfortable. And these days, if your not comfortable doing something, but you want to, then join a group of like minded people, until you are.

The point im making is that it's your life. I see time and time again people holding themselves back because they fear social norms. I can't go to a bar by myself, I can't approach someone I don't know to have a conversation, I can't go online dating, they are out of my league etc. etc. etc.

Choosing your dating life, i.e. whether you want a long term relationship, or to be single and have a healthy dating life, doesn't get much of a show in high school. It isn't bought to peoples attention as an important life choice by other people. But it is a choice that you will want to make at some stage.

Because unlike a lot of what we get told, it doesn't just magically happen for the vast majority of us. It takes commitment.

Hope this helps.

Joehann.

P.s Thanks for reading, leave a comment or a question!

Joehann meets honesty.

I first discovered honesty when I was trying to get laid.

The women that I met were chatting to me, but there was no emotion involved, it was a water cooler discussion at the bar. Quite vague, impersonal and stuttered talk about general subjects. I felt after a while I was frustrating other people, along with myself. Women’s interest would peak at hello and then dangle from there. Something was missing to me and them.

This was an issue for me. Bringing the conversation and interaction to an emotional level, where I was either going to get liked or disliked. Not just because it forced a position, but how was it going to go and then what? What’s next?

This is where my mind flicked over to the other train of thought. Instead of the why, the why not.

I mean I didn’t ask to like women and want to chase them. Growing up I was afraid I might be gay which made me weary of this step. I decided to let go the fact that I might not be attracted to women. I felt like I was holding on to expectation.

So what did this mean for me practically? This step made me focus more on myself, less on others. I focused on what I wanted, and the best way for me to get there. Going to bars and clubs by myself was my stand. It was about me, and what I was required to do to get what I wanted.

I also realised that it wasn’t selfish to fulfil my desires, and to put myself first. I mean I didn’t ask for these desires and feelings. They just seemed to be bestowed upon me. And they were there for a reason.

After a long time of what felt like intentionally ignoring what I wanted, it felt great to be able to do something about it. To have a choice in the matter, rather than denying myself.

Honesty to me understands that everything has its reason, and it’s ok. 

I think sometimes we take it for granted what we want, and don’t know where it comes from, just where it is going to take us.

I have been trying for a long time to describe this form of honesty, and what it means. It isn’t simple for me, this is just a story to talk about honesty.

Hope this helps.

Chris.

Location x 3

Wouldnt you like a cheat sheet for pubs and clubs?
Would it give you more confidence if you had some new information or a new way to look at pubs and clubs?

Pubs and clubs are social places, people go there to be social. So how can you tell if someone is there to be social with their friends, or with new people.

One way is location.

There are places in all pubs and clubs that draw people wanting to meet new people. Now I'm not one for stereotyping, but if I see two people, dressed well, standing in a walkway, I see that as them making the first move.

So having said that the entrance, and walkways of a bar are places where people are happy to meet new people. These are places to see and be seen. It is easy for passing comments with people which can easily lead onto something more meaningful.

The bar is a place that almost everyone will go to. So there is a great variety of people, with one thing in common. People typically want to get their drink and leave the bar. So here is a good place to make yourself known to people, so if you see them later you can do the 'we go way back' gag.

The couches are a place, in my opinion, for people who want to take themselves out of the bar environment. People who want to be social with their own group usually are around here. There are always around the toilets in a bar.

And although I met my fiancé outside the toilet at a bar, typically people can be a little reserved being by themselves at a bar if they are waiting, or not being in their full group. I advise that you meet these people when there in a different section of the bar.

 Groups of people in bars are fun. Either parties or hens/bucks nights. Some can be inverted, but they are usually confident in their choices when they are backed up by the group.

 I hope this helps.

Joehann

Correct use of language.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a thought or an idea?
It feels powerful and exciting, it tends to carry more weight than having the same thought during the day.
It gives the impression of life changing, or if not, at least very important.

We'll I woke up in the middle of last night with the term 'correct language' on my mind.
Keeping my phone near my bed I wrote this example down.

I am shy or I act shy?

What is the difference here?

One example brings the word shy into your identity, and one doesn't. Considering yourself shy means that in everything you do, you identify as shy. Meeting new people, hanging out with friends, at home by yourself? We'll yes. If you 'are' something then it is you where ever  you are in whatever you do.

But is this correct? I mean are you shy in your own house with your fridge? Do you act polite, avoid eye contact or become nervous around your fridge? I doubt it.

So describing yourself as shy, is incorrect. And as silly as it seems, it does have consequences.

What im asking, is that you put a word in between 'I' and 'shy' that separates you from the action. You are not shy, you act shy, so it doesn't become an identity.

So saying I act shy would be more correct, if you put it in a sentence 'I act shy around the opposite sex.' If that is the instance that you do act shy.

So why is it so important to use correct language? Big deal, people know what I mean right?

It's all about measuring. You know that you don't act shy around your fridge but you do around the opposite sex? So what's the difference between the two? You've measured it and now you can do something about it. Saying 'I am shy' in a general sense, your saying your shy around everything, so you can't measure your actions in front of the fridge as opposed to the opposite sex.

But if you do use correct language, and separate between different circumstances you can understand that there is a difference. Your not always shy (in this example) and you can disassociate with your action. Which puts you in a more powerful place to decide what you want and change.

If we are all just a little more aware of the language we use, we can be in a more powerful position in our lives.

This is very key.

Hope this helps

Joehann.

Lifestyle

There’s no way around the fact that dating is a numbers game, but it's rare to find people who are dating enough.
My mantra is one date per week, at least.

Your lifestyle (how you are living your life) is going to determine how many people your meeting, and dating. If its not working for you, then something has to change.

Whether the following is right or not is up to you. (But I will remind you that there are a lot of people who are wrong, who seem to be doing alright for themselves.)

Date multiple people at the same time. It isn’t about dating one person at a time anymore. Life is too short. Your not dating on principle, its on market forces, and its not ‘I’ its ‘the game'.

Always be meeting new people.You can't run a business without new clients and its the same for dating. Let me give an example here. If there is a pack of cards on the table, and you take two cards, what are the chances that you have the Ace of Spades? One in twenty six. Not really great odds. But what if you had eighteen cards? You’d have a one third chance and now you are looking more likely.

Put yourself first. You want to meet someone(s) because it makes you feel good. Easily forgotten.

Focus on what you can control, don’t try and control what you can’t.  A good relationship is two people. And you can't control if the other person hangs around or not. Just focus on the choices you have control over.

Play to your strategy. Don't try to be something, 'funny' for example, Humor can easily work against you and its not the joke that your love interest wants to fuck. Humor can be used to relieve tension, which is something that you might want to keep in your conversation.

Interact with the world. I see it all the time, people with headphones in, typing on their phones wishing they were some place else. People think that dating is about only talking to the people they are interested in. Not the case. Start talking to people at the pedestrian crossing, at the check out etc. You don't want to be making meeting someone a big deal, and you don't want to be talking to people differently based on your desires and your value of them.

Give yourself permission Honestly, I think the rise of internet dating owes a lot to giving people permission. It tells people here is a dating website, you can date here. (That and anonymity creating a lack of rejection.) It is okay for you to meet people even if you have no other reason than 'being social'. Give yourself permission.

They are all the same. Yep, simple as that.

Hope this helps,

Joehann