Joehann meets honesty.

I first discovered honesty when I was trying to get laid.

The women that I met were chatting to me, but there was no emotion involved, it was a water cooler discussion at the bar. Quite vague, impersonal and stuttered talk about general subjects. I felt after a while I was frustrating other people, along with myself. Women’s interest would peak at hello and then dangle from there. Something was missing to me and them.

This was an issue for me. Bringing the conversation and interaction to an emotional level, where I was either going to get liked or disliked. Not just because it forced a position, but how was it going to go and then what? What’s next?

This is where my mind flicked over to the other train of thought. Instead of the why, the why not.

I mean I didn’t ask to like women and want to chase them. Growing up I was afraid I might be gay which made me weary of this step. I decided to let go the fact that I might not be attracted to women. I felt like I was holding on to expectation.

So what did this mean for me practically? This step made me focus more on myself, less on others. I focused on what I wanted, and the best way for me to get there. Going to bars and clubs by myself was my stand. It was about me, and what I was required to do to get what I wanted.

I also realised that it wasn’t selfish to fulfil my desires, and to put myself first. I mean I didn’t ask for these desires and feelings. They just seemed to be bestowed upon me. And they were there for a reason.

After a long time of what felt like intentionally ignoring what I wanted, it felt great to be able to do something about it. To have a choice in the matter, rather than denying myself.

Honesty to me understands that everything has its reason, and it’s ok. 

I think sometimes we take it for granted what we want, and don’t know where it comes from, just where it is going to take us.

I have been trying for a long time to describe this form of honesty, and what it means. It isn’t simple for me, this is just a story to talk about honesty.

Hope this helps.

Chris.