Feel like you are getting the cold shoulder?

Sometimes when im out i feel like im getting the cold shoulder. Maybe you have felt it too.
You look at girls and they look away, you are always preoccupied with what's happening outside of everything right near you, and you just get that vibe.
The vibe that 'your not wanted' or 'your creepy'.
Sometimes i get these vibes.
These vibes used to really depress me, i mean they could set me back weeks. I would go out and just feel not wanted. Then i'd tkae a step back and think 'why am i bothering?' and 'i can't do this.'
Now its a little different. I'm not that fussed by women who give me the cold shoulder. Im not put off by women who stare back. Or see me looking and cross the street or adjust themselves somehow so they don't have to come into contact with me.

It's not that i just plough right threw this, i dont. But when i see it happening i notice it now, and then i can do something to stop it. (more information at http://anhonestapproach.com/)

First of all, when this happens, i reflect on how im feeling. Typically im out to get something, or to prove something. I guess being wanted by women is an ego trip. This can't really be the reason that you want to meet a woman.
They are after what they want, not what you want. If they see you as trying to put them down, so that you can be lifted they will walk away.
The other thing is that it tells me that im out of practice. I haven't been meeting enough people. Meeting people gives you a face to pin a memory or feeling to. I know im not doing well when i start thinking of 'us and them' because i haven't had that face time.
It is important to keep doing it, because talking releives the nervousness makes you feel happy. Talking to women that you don't know is a bit of a rush (for me anyhow) and gives you a thrill, and confidence that you can do it again.
This feeling will fill the space, so the feeling of fulfilling my ego wont be in my mind so much.

It is important to understand yourself in this situation. It will help you correct yourself when your offcourse, and train yourself to do the right things when things are going well.

Thanks for reading.
More information and dating advice available here.

What to do with those exciting feelings...

Im sure that you have found being around people that you would like to date/relationship/see nude our emotions act up.

We go all funny, our awareness of how we act seems to heighten and other objects and situations that may have been important tend to have less of our focus now.

It is exciting!

But generally, I think our initial response to this is to try and hide it.

"Don't let him/her see me give anything away!"
"Don't let them know I like them."

And we tend to look from a distance...

I wanted to bring this to attention because I want to ask why?

Nothing good comes from keeping it to yourself. I would like to suggest that next time this happens to you, be ok with it. Feel it and feel good about it.

I think the problem here is people communication rather than their feelings or desires.

I mean, if you like someone you don't really want hurt them, you want to love them ;)

But people tend to hide their feelings because they don't know what to do about them. The real issue is communication,

"how do I (you) tell the subject of our affection that we think they are beautiful/handsome/sexy/amazing/awesome/funny/smart etc."

Im not going to come out and say 'just tell them' etc. because that is a cop out on my behalf.

What I do suggest is that you think of something, for 20 seconds after you read this, to deal with this before it happens.

Imagine your waiting for the walk signal at the traffic lights and that person stands beside you, or its a new colleague at work/university.

Just in case we get a little dumb struck when it does happen (which does happen all the time) :)

And even though it might not come out as smooth as you please if the situation does occur 'in real life', but it will in your imagination...

Enjoy,

Hope this helps.

Joehann.

Random

What exactly do you want? And I don't mean a throw away statement like financial freedom or to fall in love. I mean what exactly do you want? I ask because the other side to the question is want to know is what are you going to pass up in your life, what are you going to give up and what are you going to say no to?

What I am getting at is what some people call their line in the sand, some their mission statement. 

Can we just get what we want, can we just pick it and be happy, or is there a greater force in play that we have to align with or at least consider? 

Is just picking something going to give you the drive and motivation to get it. Personally at the moment I feel like I'm trying to listen to myself to find what I want, so I can go after it. But something tells me that I'm not correctly listening if I am expecting a certain result.

Back to what we don't want, when you think of your future what do you think of?

Poor, lonely, unhappy... What about more tangeable things, maybe instead of what do you want, how about what can't you live without?

And when I say this I include things such as convenience, luxuries, ease, not just ideals and principles that people always seem to be idolising.

How do we find the answer to this, what we cant live without. First thought in my mind was to find a situation which is different from our day to day. Where we need to be proactive about how we rank things in our life and what we select, if only given certain choices. Be less comfortable in certain terms.

This is just food for thought at the moment, but also another way to look at an age old question about our lives, meaning and happiness.

Hope this helps,

Joe Hann

The fall

The fall is a phenomenon that happens to people when they are dating.

Usually when people are single they want to mold dating into their life. They want to massage it and knead it and have control over it. They want to fit it into their life.

This doesn't tend to happen, actually the opposite tends to happen. People give in and let their dating life take over the rest of their life. They go out and not know who they are going to meet, where they are going to end up or even where they are going to sleep.

Men who aren't in this state will use terms like 'I want a girlfriend' or use gender specific terms more often, because they are thinking of themselves first and not the woman. i.e. Tits, pussy, arse/ass, bitch, slut etc.Thinking of yourself first doesn't put you in a good place to meet a mate.

From what I see 'the fall' happens to men who are trying to meet a mate. They put the moment that they are in first and let that lead them. It is a self fulfilling prophecy because not only does it hone the persons attention but women love being the item of attention and men who are living in the moment will ravish all their attention on whomever they meet.

This doesn't happen to every man who ends up in a relationship, but it is a natural way that leads into a successful relationship or just dating life.

I believe what leads a man to 'falling' is when he overcomes rejection. Not being worried about rejection gives a man time to give to an interaction and understand the context of his life. And overcoming rejection takes experience.

Hope this helps

Joehann.

Value.

Ever heard the saying...

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

We'll value is very important in the dating world, and the world of relationships in general.

But to focus on the dating world it does seem that value can be an inherent problem.

Men test out women for value all the time. Men always want more, to push the boundaries and to see how far they can get. They are testing women for their value.

So how do women respond.

Well not having enough value, or charging too much can result in loss of interest.

Women also test men for their value. Trying to find out how committed men are, how emotional, and stable.

Too much of either one equals a loss of interest from the other party. So I think the best advice is to get what you can if you give up value. And understand that this is a part of the two parties trusting each other. Essentially, both parties giving up value is like hurt money in an investment. People are more inclined to take interest and precuation when they will lose out of the situation too.

And that is the point I wish to make. Give up value when the other person gives up theirs.

Someone giving  you attention equals you giving that person attention, if this is indeed what you want. Rewarding behavior.

Regards,

Chris.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

From what I see people aren’t as tuned into this quote as they may like to think.
 

Because making choices that you can’t make causes issues and in some cases friction.
 

See first of all we have to explore that persons world. What is in their world, how did they get where they have gotten. What motivates them, what drives them, their strengths and weaknesses. This is true, however I believe there are short cuts to this, which I call levers. For example, you are confident which is your lever, your confidence creates trust in that other person.
 

I guess this issue keeps coming into my mind because of football. I follow a team which aren’t very good at the moment. And from what I can tell there are opposing forces, people making decisions they can’t make and a general lack of togetherness and people ‘pulling in the same direction’.
 

I feel like some coaches are putting themselves at the centre of the group and others on the perimeter looking in. I think the coach should be outside the circle making sure that the environment is productive in achieving what their goal is.
 

If we are coaching a professional sports team, what are our levers that we can use to control behaviour.
 

Money – Earning money (game payments, bonuses) may affect their behaviour, but more likely to effect their level of happiness and belonging positively when getting paid, and negatively when not. Not having enough money will affect their behaviour.
 

Selection (playing or not playing) – This is a big one for coaches. I think this should be a known, written down contract for the players so they can make their own decision on selection. E.g. if you are playing in the two’s and you achieve a certain amount of goals or goal average then you get put into the ones. That is very simple, more likely there would be a lot of thought put into this document.
 

Contracts – Having a contract with the club would affect behaviour. Players would most likely really want to be apart of the club as the job would be better than what awaits them in the ‘real world’
 

Our attention – Coaches and all assistants attention will affect behaviour of the players. Positive, negative reinforcement and punishment all can be used to affect behaviour. Direct intervention would be wise to avoid but
 

Their time – Players time is something that coaches can use to affect behaviour. Giving them more time will reinforce beliefs, create morale. But so too will having the players see gains for their sacraficies.

Some decisions that coaches can’t make is ‘to win a premiership or championship’. The players are the ones who score the points. They can only really prepare the players.
 

This coach/players situation is one example of dealing with people, when you are put in charge. Dating is another instance when you are dealing with people. And also in that situation there are some choices that you can make, and some that you can’t.
 

What you do, i.e. be confident, will affect the other person, i.e. create trust. So if we understand our choices (our levers), we can better control the world around us and how we interact with it.
 
Hope this helps...
 
Joehann.

Please excuse the delay, I do have a few half finished posts in the works :)

More, more more.

I deliver the local paper now. So 253 homes around my area receive the local paper in my area because of me.
We'll to be precise, more like 225ish im guessing. Because some people have a no junk mail/posted mail only sign on their letterbox, which started me thinking. Am I effected by these people, who don't want my paper and my service, and essentially reject it. Does it upset me, and put me off my deliveries?

No of course it doesn't. I don't have to stop and deliver the paper which saves me time. This is a simple example, but the point is still relevant.

The point in this case is that im not worried about my service being 'rejected' because I have a lot of other people who do want it. Which made me realise, if you are worried about rejection then your numbers aren't enough.

You know my mantra, 'people don't date enough', and to date more, you need more exposure, to meet more people and exchange more details.

To meet my one fiance, it took me;

3 relationships,
50 first dates,
100's of make outs
100's of  nights out and
1000's of introductions.

Over about six years.

So, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But that's the worst of it, the good news is that the process is fun! The thrill of the chase or someone chasing you, meeting new people, doing new things and putting yourself out there!

It does take time, but enjoy it.

And remember, if your not sure on someone, date more ;)

Hope this helps,

Joehann.