The fall

The fall is a phenomenon that happens to people when they are dating.

Usually when people are single they want to mold dating into their life. They want to massage it and knead it and have control over it. They want to fit it into their life.

This doesn't tend to happen, actually the opposite tends to happen. People give in and let their dating life take over the rest of their life. They go out and not know who they are going to meet, where they are going to end up or even where they are going to sleep.

Men who aren't in this state will use terms like 'I want a girlfriend' or use gender specific terms more often, because they are thinking of themselves first and not the woman. i.e. Tits, pussy, arse/ass, bitch, slut etc.Thinking of yourself first doesn't put you in a good place to meet a mate.

From what I see 'the fall' happens to men who are trying to meet a mate. They put the moment that they are in first and let that lead them. It is a self fulfilling prophecy because not only does it hone the persons attention but women love being the item of attention and men who are living in the moment will ravish all their attention on whomever they meet.

This doesn't happen to every man who ends up in a relationship, but it is a natural way that leads into a successful relationship or just dating life.

I believe what leads a man to 'falling' is when he overcomes rejection. Not being worried about rejection gives a man time to give to an interaction and understand the context of his life. And overcoming rejection takes experience.

Hope this helps

Joehann.

Value.

Ever heard the saying...

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

We'll value is very important in the dating world, and the world of relationships in general.

But to focus on the dating world it does seem that value can be an inherent problem.

Men test out women for value all the time. Men always want more, to push the boundaries and to see how far they can get. They are testing women for their value.

So how do women respond.

Well not having enough value, or charging too much can result in loss of interest.

Women also test men for their value. Trying to find out how committed men are, how emotional, and stable.

Too much of either one equals a loss of interest from the other party. So I think the best advice is to get what you can if you give up value. And understand that this is a part of the two parties trusting each other. Essentially, both parties giving up value is like hurt money in an investment. People are more inclined to take interest and precuation when they will lose out of the situation too.

And that is the point I wish to make. Give up value when the other person gives up theirs.

Someone giving  you attention equals you giving that person attention, if this is indeed what you want. Rewarding behavior.

Regards,

Chris.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

From what I see people aren’t as tuned into this quote as they may like to think.
 

Because making choices that you can’t make causes issues and in some cases friction.
 

See first of all we have to explore that persons world. What is in their world, how did they get where they have gotten. What motivates them, what drives them, their strengths and weaknesses. This is true, however I believe there are short cuts to this, which I call levers. For example, you are confident which is your lever, your confidence creates trust in that other person.
 

I guess this issue keeps coming into my mind because of football. I follow a team which aren’t very good at the moment. And from what I can tell there are opposing forces, people making decisions they can’t make and a general lack of togetherness and people ‘pulling in the same direction’.
 

I feel like some coaches are putting themselves at the centre of the group and others on the perimeter looking in. I think the coach should be outside the circle making sure that the environment is productive in achieving what their goal is.
 

If we are coaching a professional sports team, what are our levers that we can use to control behaviour.
 

Money – Earning money (game payments, bonuses) may affect their behaviour, but more likely to effect their level of happiness and belonging positively when getting paid, and negatively when not. Not having enough money will affect their behaviour.
 

Selection (playing or not playing) – This is a big one for coaches. I think this should be a known, written down contract for the players so they can make their own decision on selection. E.g. if you are playing in the two’s and you achieve a certain amount of goals or goal average then you get put into the ones. That is very simple, more likely there would be a lot of thought put into this document.
 

Contracts – Having a contract with the club would affect behaviour. Players would most likely really want to be apart of the club as the job would be better than what awaits them in the ‘real world’
 

Our attention – Coaches and all assistants attention will affect behaviour of the players. Positive, negative reinforcement and punishment all can be used to affect behaviour. Direct intervention would be wise to avoid but
 

Their time – Players time is something that coaches can use to affect behaviour. Giving them more time will reinforce beliefs, create morale. But so too will having the players see gains for their sacraficies.

Some decisions that coaches can’t make is ‘to win a premiership or championship’. The players are the ones who score the points. They can only really prepare the players.
 

This coach/players situation is one example of dealing with people, when you are put in charge. Dating is another instance when you are dealing with people. And also in that situation there are some choices that you can make, and some that you can’t.
 

What you do, i.e. be confident, will affect the other person, i.e. create trust. So if we understand our choices (our levers), we can better control the world around us and how we interact with it.
 
Hope this helps...
 
Joehann.

Please excuse the delay, I do have a few half finished posts in the works :)

More, more more.

I deliver the local paper now. So 253 homes around my area receive the local paper in my area because of me.
We'll to be precise, more like 225ish im guessing. Because some people have a no junk mail/posted mail only sign on their letterbox, which started me thinking. Am I effected by these people, who don't want my paper and my service, and essentially reject it. Does it upset me, and put me off my deliveries?

No of course it doesn't. I don't have to stop and deliver the paper which saves me time. This is a simple example, but the point is still relevant.

The point in this case is that im not worried about my service being 'rejected' because I have a lot of other people who do want it. Which made me realise, if you are worried about rejection then your numbers aren't enough.

You know my mantra, 'people don't date enough', and to date more, you need more exposure, to meet more people and exchange more details.

To meet my one fiance, it took me;

3 relationships,
50 first dates,
100's of make outs
100's of  nights out and
1000's of introductions.

Over about six years.

So, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But that's the worst of it, the good news is that the process is fun! The thrill of the chase or someone chasing you, meeting new people, doing new things and putting yourself out there!

It does take time, but enjoy it.

And remember, if your not sure on someone, date more ;)

Hope this helps,

Joehann.

Scope.

The other night there was a spider in the bedroom. It was a small black spider, perched up in the top corner of our room near a disused vent that it was using as a dark refuge.

My fiancé, as she usually does in this situation, asked me to kill it. I, as I usually do, said no ill take it outside.

It isnt the first time we've had a spider in our room. The wall space must be damp, dark and attract bugs. So even though I might remove this one, I know there will be another one to take its place.

It seems that in this case there is meant to be a spider there, like it's the environment makes the spider. And the spider is there to service the environment.


So its the same for us. We have space to live, an accommodating habitat, and food to eat. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. If there is scope for us to live, then we are meant to be.

This does seem to be quite theoretical and airy fairy, but it all this comes back to beliefs. It has the power to change you. Understanding our place in the world can adjust our motivation and actions in the future, for a long time. 

We are here and not by 'our' choosing. We are here because there was a need for us to be here, to do what we do. And we are supposed to be doing what we are doing.

The spider is here for a reason, so are you. And you are doing it right now.

Hope this helps,

Joehann

Enhancing you

Yet again I was watching a trashy television show which sparked an idea. I'm starting to see a pattern here :P

The scene: Two girls chatting, the camera pans out to show one girl sitting on a dental chair. She's not dressed in any operating theatre clothing though, its all Gucci and Prada here. Another woman approaches, back facing the camera, a needle is produced, then inserted into the forehead. They seem happy, but its hard to see any expression on their faces.

I personally don't have an issue with botox, although I know some people do. I ask to leave that to the side for a minute. What i'd like to bring to attention is what people (in general or particular people) are prepared to do for 'mating encounters' and what they are not prepared to do?

It seems more and more that all bets are off when making ourselves look good. So when does it stop being us and start being fake?

Because as simple as it sounds, the girls in the television scene would (I believe) argue that they are beautiful and young looking, therefore anything that in their eyes makes and keeps them beautiful and young looking, is justified and indeed congruent with them.

So lets go to another extreme. Generally people don't want to have to pay for sex. Going to a prostitute or gigolo can seem in society as a sign of weakness, that sex for someone is a paid relationship. Yet there are plenty of brothels around, so obviously people are paying to use them.

Where the issue seems to sit is where people feel comfortable. And these days, if your not comfortable doing something, but you want to, then join a group of like minded people, until you are.

The point im making is that it's your life. I see time and time again people holding themselves back because they fear social norms. I can't go to a bar by myself, I can't approach someone I don't know to have a conversation, I can't go online dating, they are out of my league etc. etc. etc.

Choosing your dating life, i.e. whether you want a long term relationship, or to be single and have a healthy dating life, doesn't get much of a show in high school. It isn't bought to peoples attention as an important life choice by other people. But it is a choice that you will want to make at some stage.

Because unlike a lot of what we get told, it doesn't just magically happen for the vast majority of us. It takes commitment.

Hope this helps.

Joehann.

P.s Thanks for reading, leave a comment or a question!

Joehann meets honesty.

I first discovered honesty when I was trying to get laid.

The women that I met were chatting to me, but there was no emotion involved, it was a water cooler discussion at the bar. Quite vague, impersonal and stuttered talk about general subjects. I felt after a while I was frustrating other people, along with myself. Women’s interest would peak at hello and then dangle from there. Something was missing to me and them.

This was an issue for me. Bringing the conversation and interaction to an emotional level, where I was either going to get liked or disliked. Not just because it forced a position, but how was it going to go and then what? What’s next?

This is where my mind flicked over to the other train of thought. Instead of the why, the why not.

I mean I didn’t ask to like women and want to chase them. Growing up I was afraid I might be gay which made me weary of this step. I decided to let go the fact that I might not be attracted to women. I felt like I was holding on to expectation.

So what did this mean for me practically? This step made me focus more on myself, less on others. I focused on what I wanted, and the best way for me to get there. Going to bars and clubs by myself was my stand. It was about me, and what I was required to do to get what I wanted.

I also realised that it wasn’t selfish to fulfil my desires, and to put myself first. I mean I didn’t ask for these desires and feelings. They just seemed to be bestowed upon me. And they were there for a reason.

After a long time of what felt like intentionally ignoring what I wanted, it felt great to be able to do something about it. To have a choice in the matter, rather than denying myself.

Honesty to me understands that everything has its reason, and it’s ok. 

I think sometimes we take it for granted what we want, and don’t know where it comes from, just where it is going to take us.

I have been trying for a long time to describe this form of honesty, and what it means. It isn’t simple for me, this is just a story to talk about honesty.

Hope this helps.

Chris.