There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

There are some choices that you can make, and some you can’t.

From what I see people aren’t as tuned into this quote as they may like to think.
 

Because making choices that you can’t make causes issues and in some cases friction.
 

See first of all we have to explore that persons world. What is in their world, how did they get where they have gotten. What motivates them, what drives them, their strengths and weaknesses. This is true, however I believe there are short cuts to this, which I call levers. For example, you are confident which is your lever, your confidence creates trust in that other person.
 

I guess this issue keeps coming into my mind because of football. I follow a team which aren’t very good at the moment. And from what I can tell there are opposing forces, people making decisions they can’t make and a general lack of togetherness and people ‘pulling in the same direction’.
 

I feel like some coaches are putting themselves at the centre of the group and others on the perimeter looking in. I think the coach should be outside the circle making sure that the environment is productive in achieving what their goal is.
 

If we are coaching a professional sports team, what are our levers that we can use to control behaviour.
 

Money – Earning money (game payments, bonuses) may affect their behaviour, but more likely to effect their level of happiness and belonging positively when getting paid, and negatively when not. Not having enough money will affect their behaviour.
 

Selection (playing or not playing) – This is a big one for coaches. I think this should be a known, written down contract for the players so they can make their own decision on selection. E.g. if you are playing in the two’s and you achieve a certain amount of goals or goal average then you get put into the ones. That is very simple, more likely there would be a lot of thought put into this document.
 

Contracts – Having a contract with the club would affect behaviour. Players would most likely really want to be apart of the club as the job would be better than what awaits them in the ‘real world’
 

Our attention – Coaches and all assistants attention will affect behaviour of the players. Positive, negative reinforcement and punishment all can be used to affect behaviour. Direct intervention would be wise to avoid but
 

Their time – Players time is something that coaches can use to affect behaviour. Giving them more time will reinforce beliefs, create morale. But so too will having the players see gains for their sacraficies.

Some decisions that coaches can’t make is ‘to win a premiership or championship’. The players are the ones who score the points. They can only really prepare the players.
 

This coach/players situation is one example of dealing with people, when you are put in charge. Dating is another instance when you are dealing with people. And also in that situation there are some choices that you can make, and some that you can’t.
 

What you do, i.e. be confident, will affect the other person, i.e. create trust. So if we understand our choices (our levers), we can better control the world around us and how we interact with it.
 
Hope this helps...
 
Joehann.

Please excuse the delay, I do have a few half finished posts in the works :)

More, more more.

I deliver the local paper now. So 253 homes around my area receive the local paper in my area because of me.
We'll to be precise, more like 225ish im guessing. Because some people have a no junk mail/posted mail only sign on their letterbox, which started me thinking. Am I effected by these people, who don't want my paper and my service, and essentially reject it. Does it upset me, and put me off my deliveries?

No of course it doesn't. I don't have to stop and deliver the paper which saves me time. This is a simple example, but the point is still relevant.

The point in this case is that im not worried about my service being 'rejected' because I have a lot of other people who do want it. Which made me realise, if you are worried about rejection then your numbers aren't enough.

You know my mantra, 'people don't date enough', and to date more, you need more exposure, to meet more people and exchange more details.

To meet my one fiance, it took me;

3 relationships,
50 first dates,
100's of make outs
100's of  nights out and
1000's of introductions.

Over about six years.

So, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But that's the worst of it, the good news is that the process is fun! The thrill of the chase or someone chasing you, meeting new people, doing new things and putting yourself out there!

It does take time, but enjoy it.

And remember, if your not sure on someone, date more ;)

Hope this helps,

Joehann.

Scope.

The other night there was a spider in the bedroom. It was a small black spider, perched up in the top corner of our room near a disused vent that it was using as a dark refuge.

My fiancé, as she usually does in this situation, asked me to kill it. I, as I usually do, said no ill take it outside.

It isnt the first time we've had a spider in our room. The wall space must be damp, dark and attract bugs. So even though I might remove this one, I know there will be another one to take its place.

It seems that in this case there is meant to be a spider there, like it's the environment makes the spider. And the spider is there to service the environment.


So its the same for us. We have space to live, an accommodating habitat, and food to eat. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. If there is scope for us to live, then we are meant to be.

This does seem to be quite theoretical and airy fairy, but it all this comes back to beliefs. It has the power to change you. Understanding our place in the world can adjust our motivation and actions in the future, for a long time. 

We are here and not by 'our' choosing. We are here because there was a need for us to be here, to do what we do. And we are supposed to be doing what we are doing.

The spider is here for a reason, so are you. And you are doing it right now.

Hope this helps,

Joehann

Enhancing you

Yet again I was watching a trashy television show which sparked an idea. I'm starting to see a pattern here :P

The scene: Two girls chatting, the camera pans out to show one girl sitting on a dental chair. She's not dressed in any operating theatre clothing though, its all Gucci and Prada here. Another woman approaches, back facing the camera, a needle is produced, then inserted into the forehead. They seem happy, but its hard to see any expression on their faces.

I personally don't have an issue with botox, although I know some people do. I ask to leave that to the side for a minute. What i'd like to bring to attention is what people (in general or particular people) are prepared to do for 'mating encounters' and what they are not prepared to do?

It seems more and more that all bets are off when making ourselves look good. So when does it stop being us and start being fake?

Because as simple as it sounds, the girls in the television scene would (I believe) argue that they are beautiful and young looking, therefore anything that in their eyes makes and keeps them beautiful and young looking, is justified and indeed congruent with them.

So lets go to another extreme. Generally people don't want to have to pay for sex. Going to a prostitute or gigolo can seem in society as a sign of weakness, that sex for someone is a paid relationship. Yet there are plenty of brothels around, so obviously people are paying to use them.

Where the issue seems to sit is where people feel comfortable. And these days, if your not comfortable doing something, but you want to, then join a group of like minded people, until you are.

The point im making is that it's your life. I see time and time again people holding themselves back because they fear social norms. I can't go to a bar by myself, I can't approach someone I don't know to have a conversation, I can't go online dating, they are out of my league etc. etc. etc.

Choosing your dating life, i.e. whether you want a long term relationship, or to be single and have a healthy dating life, doesn't get much of a show in high school. It isn't bought to peoples attention as an important life choice by other people. But it is a choice that you will want to make at some stage.

Because unlike a lot of what we get told, it doesn't just magically happen for the vast majority of us. It takes commitment.

Hope this helps.

Joehann.

P.s Thanks for reading, leave a comment or a question!

Joehann meets honesty.

I first discovered honesty when I was trying to get laid.

The women that I met were chatting to me, but there was no emotion involved, it was a water cooler discussion at the bar. Quite vague, impersonal and stuttered talk about general subjects. I felt after a while I was frustrating other people, along with myself. Women’s interest would peak at hello and then dangle from there. Something was missing to me and them.

This was an issue for me. Bringing the conversation and interaction to an emotional level, where I was either going to get liked or disliked. Not just because it forced a position, but how was it going to go and then what? What’s next?

This is where my mind flicked over to the other train of thought. Instead of the why, the why not.

I mean I didn’t ask to like women and want to chase them. Growing up I was afraid I might be gay which made me weary of this step. I decided to let go the fact that I might not be attracted to women. I felt like I was holding on to expectation.

So what did this mean for me practically? This step made me focus more on myself, less on others. I focused on what I wanted, and the best way for me to get there. Going to bars and clubs by myself was my stand. It was about me, and what I was required to do to get what I wanted.

I also realised that it wasn’t selfish to fulfil my desires, and to put myself first. I mean I didn’t ask for these desires and feelings. They just seemed to be bestowed upon me. And they were there for a reason.

After a long time of what felt like intentionally ignoring what I wanted, it felt great to be able to do something about it. To have a choice in the matter, rather than denying myself.

Honesty to me understands that everything has its reason, and it’s ok. 

I think sometimes we take it for granted what we want, and don’t know where it comes from, just where it is going to take us.

I have been trying for a long time to describe this form of honesty, and what it means. It isn’t simple for me, this is just a story to talk about honesty.

Hope this helps.

Chris.

Location x 3

Wouldnt you like a cheat sheet for pubs and clubs?
Would it give you more confidence if you had some new information or a new way to look at pubs and clubs?

Pubs and clubs are social places, people go there to be social. So how can you tell if someone is there to be social with their friends, or with new people.

One way is location.

There are places in all pubs and clubs that draw people wanting to meet new people. Now I'm not one for stereotyping, but if I see two people, dressed well, standing in a walkway, I see that as them making the first move.

So having said that the entrance, and walkways of a bar are places where people are happy to meet new people. These are places to see and be seen. It is easy for passing comments with people which can easily lead onto something more meaningful.

The bar is a place that almost everyone will go to. So there is a great variety of people, with one thing in common. People typically want to get their drink and leave the bar. So here is a good place to make yourself known to people, so if you see them later you can do the 'we go way back' gag.

The couches are a place, in my opinion, for people who want to take themselves out of the bar environment. People who want to be social with their own group usually are around here. There are always around the toilets in a bar.

And although I met my fiancé outside the toilet at a bar, typically people can be a little reserved being by themselves at a bar if they are waiting, or not being in their full group. I advise that you meet these people when there in a different section of the bar.

 Groups of people in bars are fun. Either parties or hens/bucks nights. Some can be inverted, but they are usually confident in their choices when they are backed up by the group.

 I hope this helps.

Joehann

Correct use of language.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a thought or an idea?
It feels powerful and exciting, it tends to carry more weight than having the same thought during the day.
It gives the impression of life changing, or if not, at least very important.

We'll I woke up in the middle of last night with the term 'correct language' on my mind.
Keeping my phone near my bed I wrote this example down.

I am shy or I act shy?

What is the difference here?

One example brings the word shy into your identity, and one doesn't. Considering yourself shy means that in everything you do, you identify as shy. Meeting new people, hanging out with friends, at home by yourself? We'll yes. If you 'are' something then it is you where ever  you are in whatever you do.

But is this correct? I mean are you shy in your own house with your fridge? Do you act polite, avoid eye contact or become nervous around your fridge? I doubt it.

So describing yourself as shy, is incorrect. And as silly as it seems, it does have consequences.

What im asking, is that you put a word in between 'I' and 'shy' that separates you from the action. You are not shy, you act shy, so it doesn't become an identity.

So saying I act shy would be more correct, if you put it in a sentence 'I act shy around the opposite sex.' If that is the instance that you do act shy.

So why is it so important to use correct language? Big deal, people know what I mean right?

It's all about measuring. You know that you don't act shy around your fridge but you do around the opposite sex? So what's the difference between the two? You've measured it and now you can do something about it. Saying 'I am shy' in a general sense, your saying your shy around everything, so you can't measure your actions in front of the fridge as opposed to the opposite sex.

But if you do use correct language, and separate between different circumstances you can understand that there is a difference. Your not always shy (in this example) and you can disassociate with your action. Which puts you in a more powerful place to decide what you want and change.

If we are all just a little more aware of the language we use, we can be in a more powerful position in our lives.

This is very key.

Hope this helps

Joehann.